Fears can be either realistic or unrealistic. If you’re afraid you are going to get hurt walking on a floor full of holes, that is realistic, but fear of things like heights is unrealistic. Standing at the top of a lighthouse with railings around you will not cause you harm. With mental illness, unrealistic fears are made bigger in the mind of the person struggling, causing anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and depression. In order to ease anxiety, a person needs to find a way to keep those fears in check.
As you read in my last post, my dad has bone cancer and I’m struggling with it. My fears are causing me to have anxiety attacks and giving me the feeling that I’m losing control of my depression and emotions. It began with the fear that my dad would become very sick from the chemo, but so far he’s only had mild side effects. Then the fear grew bigger to thinking the longer he’s on chemo, the sicker he’ll get. The fears kept growing; my dad is suffering from fatigue from his treatments. What if he gets depressed and gives up? If he gives up, his health will decline. My dad’s immune system is gone because of the chemo; what if he catches an illness and ends up in the hospital? What if he dies of a sickness he gets instead of chemo?
The fears just keep growing and new ones sprout up. I feel my chest tighten and my throat aches like a fist of emotions are being pushed up through it. I cry, I feel sick, and I just want to lie in bed and hide from the world. Everything becomes overwhelming and just holding myself up seems like too much.
I allowed my fears to take control of me, and I haven’t been doing a good job at keeping my fears in check. I am reminding myself to go back to my first fear and evaluate it. Was my fear that my dad would get really sick from chemo realistic? That fear was based on horror stories I heard from others who had bad experiences with chemo. It wasn’t based on facts. Facts are everyone reacts differently to chemo, and there are different types and strengths of chemo. Everyone’s cancer journey and treatments are different. My dad has only had annoying minor effects. Now I look at my first fear and realize it wasn’t a realistic fear. It was more like something to be concerned about, but not something I needed to drive myself into an anxiety attack over.
I realize I need to take control of my fears and keep them in check. I need to acknowledge the realistic fears and unrealistic fears, and then work on stopping them from multiplying. My dad will never give up, he’s a strong man, and his cancer will go in remission, and he will live a long live. I tell myself don’t worry about him catching other illnesses. I can not control the future and worrying about it will only cause me to fall back down the hole.
I have other fears that bring on my anxiety. I worry about our finances, and this causes fears. I fear we won’t be able to pay our bills and will get ourselves so deep in debt that we’ll lose our home and have nothing. We’ll end up being homeless with all our belongings being sold to pay our bills. This fear grew in intensity while my husband was partially laid off over the winter. I looked at that fear and realized how unrealistic it was. Money has been tight, but with managing and arranging payments on bills, we’ve been able to make it through. We have gone to the food bank at our church to keep meals on the table. We still have our home, and our mortgage is always paid.
I have developed a process where I tell my friend and my husband my fears, and they reassure me that I have nothing to worry about. I’ve started journaling out my fears and then looking at them to see which ones are realistic and which ones are not. Most of my fears are unrealistic. I tear apart my unrealistic fears and find a way to think differently. Instead of “We’re having a hard time paying bills and we’re going to lose everything” I now think “We’ll pay what we can, and we’ll be fine.”
Keeping your fears in check is taking your fear and deciding if you have a real reason to be afraid or not. Then stop yourself before the fear grows out of control. It’s not easy to do. It’s a battle with the mind to take your fears under control and to keep them from sending you into an anxiety attack, panic attack or depression.
Say or write down your fear. Then think about the fear and say or write down the facts about the fear. For example: Fear: My dad is going to get depressed and give up. Facts: My dad may get discouraged, but he never gives up on anything. He has a strong faith that keeps him going. He has a loving family that will keep encouraging him. My dad is a very determined man. Looking at the facts shows me that my fear is unrealistic and helps me let go of that fear.
Look at your fears. Write them down and write out the facts. Are your fears realistic or unrealistic? If it’s unrealistic, then take steps to let it go. Doing this will help you keep your fears in check and prevent them from getting out of hand.
I’m working hard on keeping my fears under control. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. In time my fears will take less control over me, and I will stand stronger in the light of recovery.
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