LETTER TO SUICIDAL SELF

Dear Sick Aimee,

I remember when you were so sick that you felt life was hopeless. You thought there was no end to the sadness, the inner anguish, the crying spells, the sleepless nights, and the overpowering emotions. You thought the only way to stop it was to take your life. You planned it and you tried but never succeeded. You thought your family and friends would be better without you, but you were wrong.

     I want to thank you for never taking your own life and for your failed plans. If you would have committed suicide, you would have missed out on watching your nieces and nephews grow up. Taking them to do fun things, spoiling them, and sharing memories with them. They would have never gotten to know their favorite aunt if you were gone. They would have only heard stories about you. By living you have instead given them love, courage, and many wonderful memories. Since you lived you have been blessed with two great nieces and a great nephew. On Friday you watched your oldest niece get married. It was a wonderful wedding. Your nieces and nephews have been one of the greatest blessings in your life.

     Remember when you wrote out what you wanted to go on your grave, “A lonely soul who couldn’t go on.” Good thing you never had to use it. If you had died, you would have never met the love of your life. On the first date he drew you in with a promise to treat you like a woman, to protect you, and to never hurt you. He swept you away. You couldn’t stop seeing him. He even rode his bike thirty miles to see you. Within just six months of dating, he proposed, and you knew your souls would be one forever.

     What a beautiful wedding it was! You could have missed the best day of your life. The day you said “I do” to the most wonderful man you ever met. The day you pledged your heart and soul to him forever with tears in your eyes. Now you have spent fourteen years of marriage creating memories, sharing your love, standing side by side in ups and downs, and falling more in love each day. You can see the love in his eyes, in the things he does, and how he takes care of you. Wouldn’t it have been so sad if you would have missed that?

     Remember when you took a bunch of pills and somehow drove to college in a snowstorm and back without remembering how. God took the wheel for a reason. He drove you to class and back because he had plans for you. Because God kept you alive, you have fought hard and reached recovery. In this blog you write about what you learned in therapy and your journey to recovery. Many have told you how much your posts have helped them. You would have never been able to do that if you took your life. You have written a memoir that will help many when it’s published. Because you are alive, you will soon see your first book published.

     You touch many lives as a cashier. Customers stand in long lines to see you and pray for you as you face health problems and rise above them. Many call you an inspiration because no matter how far down you fall, you always pull yourself up. You have many friends who you’ve touched in many ways. Friends who you call sis, ones who turn to you in a time of need, friends who support you, friends who stand at your side no matter what, and friends who have helped you grow as a writer. What if you missed out on all this? How sad would that have been?

     One time you thought none of this was possible. You thought you would be stuck in your internal hell forever. Look how wrong you were. Your life turned out wonderful because you didn’t succeed at suicide. How could you have ever wanted to miss out on such a wonderful life? You thought you would never feel happiness again and now you are very happy. Yes, you still have bad days, but you have coping techniques and a special support system to get you through. You have struggled with many health problems, but you have a wonderful husband who helped you through them. Your life isn’t perfect, but it is wonderful.

     Thank you, Aimee, for being alive and for pushing forward. You’ve had many challenges and rough times, but you have risen above them. If you were gone you would have never gotten a chance to rise above so much and to write about it. If you took your life, you would have never experienced true love, joy, and love of friends and family.

     Your life is beautiful. Thank you for living it. Thank you, God, for not letting Sick Aimee succeed at suicide. Suicide was never the right answer. I forgive you for being misguided and rejoice in the life you have lived because you never took your life. You stand in the light of recovery a strong, vibrant, and inspirational woman because you chose life.

     Thank you for being alive.

Sincerely,

Aimee standing in the beautiful light of recovery

4 thoughts on “LETTER TO SUICIDAL SELF

    • Murisopsis,
      Thank you. I have come a long ways and I’m so happy I never committed suicide. I still struggle with mental illness but I’m happy.
      Aimee

      Like

  1. Hi Aimee,
    Such an inspirational post! I count you among my most enduring friendships and am so glad I have gotten to see you grow through your writing journey and accomplish so much! You’re right! Sick Aimee couldn’t see what was around the bend for her–as so many cannot–which is heartbreaking. But you had the opportunity to see what was on the other side. So thrilled for you! Yes, I have always said, your essays are already making a difference in the lives of others. Once your memoir goes into print, it will even have a more profound impact on readers who struggle with depression, bullying and thoughts of suicide. Bless you!
    Amy

    Like

    • Amy,
      Thank you so much. You are also one of my enduring friends and best friend. I also consider you a mentor. If sick Aimee committed suicide I would have never met you. So glad I’m here for our wonderful friendship. Thank you.
      Aimee

      Like

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